It has been so long since I last logged on that I don't remember my password. Not only that but the whole site set up has changed!
But now that I have sorted the admin, what to even write about? There were so many times I thought about writing another blog but I didn't think I had anything to say. But, the main thing was that I couldn't get my thoughts together because I was so sleep deprived.
Now that I'm no longer sleep deprived I can think more clearly. I have been able to reflect on what I have been through over the last year and a bit. The title of the blog sums it up completely.
Like how I was honest about how much chocolate I ate (still eat) perhaps the best thing to do is write honestly about my experience with having a baby and starting a family.
If you know me or have read my previous blogs posts then you know that I am very independent, like being in control, love sport and love challenging myself. I was very efficient with fitting in 20+ hours a week of training time into my working week. Over 3 years of doing triathlon I worked towards qualifying for the Ironman World Champs in Kona, Hawaii. This was amazing and a dream come true.
After the race I moved onto my next plan, which was to start a family. After all I had completed what I wanted to. However, I wouldn't say I had the easiest pregnancy. I gave up running pretty quickly and felt like I put on so much weight. But that was nothing compared to looking after a new born.
In the months post birth I felt like I had no control over my life and was losing my identity. Some days all I could do was to get through the day. The problem was that the day never ended! Broken sleep, getting up at all hours and the feeling of being constantly needed and depended upon was slowly draining me both physically and mentally. I remember 6 weeks after birth being the worst. I was crying everyday and couldn't see how things could ever get better.
I was also beating myself up because I expected myself to be stronger. I had done Ironmans and endurance events and put myself though gruelling training. I felt like I sacrificed so much then. But I was sacrificing even more now and to make matters worse I kept on thinking about how my life used to be. I found it hard to accept my new life and didn't even refer to myself as a mum for a long time.
I also had a post-birth thyroid problem that meant that I lost a lot of hair - like a drain blocking amount! Then I started to put back on weight, was tired all the time and started to feel depressed. Luckily that did resolve itself, but that took a year.
As my baby grew we bonded more and more. I came to accept my new life and my role and started to enjoy it. I don't think I'll even fully let go of my old life. But now the new challenge is to figure out how to fit training back in with not only working (paid work that is) but also my child and family life. One of the keys, as with raising children, is to ask for help (easier said than done)!
I have big plans for this year, so fingers crossed everything falls into place. Watch this space!